self-hurting

Sigh . .

i know i am just hurting myself more with all this asking and not getting an answer. But, your actions sometimes just confuses me. I have my own blame, and im very unhappy about it, yet is there anything left to salvage?

i really dont know.

i miss you badly – your touch, your hugs, your kisses. I miss you as if i had not seen you in ages, because, that is how it really feels, eventhough i see you everyday. Others may like me, may want to help me forget, but i dont want to. I just want you.

that is my only wish, and no matter how much i seem to block it out, from others’ eyes, i know i havent really. i have been lying to everyone, especially myself, that i have gotten over you – maybe for awhile, i have, but not overall.

it’s those little things you do, that pull me back. But, i know it’s like falling over, and over, again, whenever this happens. Im just floating in mid-air, not knowing what’s happening; neither coming, nor going. Probably, waiting for you to accept me again, though i think it is near never for that

rainie rainie

not much of a surprise – it’s raining today, and all plans have been ruined. Sighh

We, Joyce, Glen, Vin, Rosa and myself, had initially planned to go Hiking, but because Joyce and Glen hadnt woke, i made a last min change of going Cycling instead. Unfortunately, that had to be cancelled, as well, because it started raining damn heavily. Hmm.. i think Sundays should be said as ”the rainy day”, because whenever we plan something on Sunday, it rains – esp when i have decided to go Cycling. Somehow, i think the weather has a taboo on me cycling, at all.

grr …

Anyways, now the plan is to go slack at Buangkok. Gosh .. i do not know whether i should be glad, or bored.. bleahx

:x: happenings :x:

been ages since i last wrote a post here, and i have to admit that i do miss writing in here. Scolling down on past events, i realised how much has happened, and how far i have come since then.

Although life hasn’t been easy, or better, it’s still ‘breathable’ in a way. Well, not much has changed, nor gotten resolved, but since this is a new post for 2009, im going to skip alot of stuff – cos i doubt my memory is  THAT bad, to have forgotten those things, unless their not memorable. (LOL)

Todays the 28th of March, Saturday morning, and Joyce, Rosa and myself are 3 lifeless creatures who are at Changi Airport – T3 – since 10pm – it’s 5am, now. We are sitting at Starbucks, with a few ppl next to us, who have no life, just like us. LOL.

Seriously, T3, if not Changi Airport itself, can be my 2nd home. All im missing is a sleeping bag – esp snce the Starbucks and Popeye’s here are 24hrs. (kwahkwahkwah).

Sheesh.. the economy is so damn horrible, now, that it’s damn damn hard to clinch a job. I’ve sent out more than a dozen resumes to different company’s, yet not much have replied (sad). But, since i am still holding onto mycurrent job, at Ubi, i shall not let my spirit get dampened !! wahahaha … so much for positive thinking, aye ?!

I think im going to turn into a Zombie soon. Joyce has this crazy obsession of TONNING .. lol.. if she could, she’d ton forever, and ever, and ever … -mati-  Yesterday, this crazy woman (joyce) tried to kill me, at the ‘playground’ near her area. Otherwise, she was trying to make me paralized.. Idiot … bahx..

( Stupidwoman is standing behind me, taking a picture of me blogging this =.= )

heh heh .. can’t wait for Sundayyyy !! Hikingggg !! wahaha .. Wish me luck i dont fall and break my leg, or at least whatever there is left to break – no thanks to joyce …

Cheeriossie ~!!

im just so damn heartbroken and lost. Nothing really matters anymore, because those i love so much just hurts me.

 

im broken and crushed.

too many thoughts running through my head.
i shouldnt have read what i did
its making me imagine,
making me sad.

my heart feels hurt.
am i being too paranoid?
sensitive?

many questions and question marks
no answers or reasons

i want to cry
but i cant.
i wont

im confused by your actions.
you’ve explained once
its happening again

 

assure me?

my demons

My past is still haunting me. The fact that im over sensitive and easily jealous about you, is because i love you and i do not want to loose you. Not again. I dont want to give up. Not now, not ever. But sometimes, i think to myself, am i being fair? I contact people whom you get upset or jealous over, too. But, i have hidden many things from you, by deleting and silence, and maybe that is what is the difference between you and me. You do it out in the open, whereas i hide it. I hide it so as to not make you upset or make you think that the past is reenacting again. I dont want anything to spoil whatever future is in store. Thats my only reason i can give you. May you accept it, or may you not.

I have realised that life is not always fair. No, it didnt take me 21 years to realise this. I had realised it very long ago, i just didnt accept it. I didnt want to. I long to be as happy as can be. Doesnt everyone?

Nothing satisfies us.

It is said that humans, or some, are easily satisfied. Some of us even state that we are easily satisfied. Lot of BULL. No one in this world is ever easily satisfied, even when the best is within, or in, our reach. We always desire for more, or better. We are all selfish, self-centered and greedy. I learnt this from someone, and its true.

So many things i desire to do, and am hoping i can accomplish them and be able to move on, move forward.

• settle my summons
• do my passport and i/c
• driving license
• study? maybe. depends on how things work out for me

They arent goals. The list is more of something that HAS to be done, before i can even think of future endeavours. If i dont start from those listed, who knows how  messy and complicated my future will turn out.

As Cass’ wrote, we should be grateful for what we already have, and try not to be too greedy. Yea, thats like so unbelievably not like us. HAHA

in regards the the pwd protected post (reality), maybe im being over sensitive and am just thinking too much and too far. i admit that jealousy got the better of me. sigh.

im just being too selfish and protective. well, honestly, i want you all to myself, but i cant say or complain, as i, too, have been going out often …. and you made your point, last night

i just know that i love you, and i only want you to fill those gaps im having. you, and no one else.

Protected: reality

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SO PAISEH!!

OMG! i actually feel asleep on a stranger’s shoulder, this morning, on the way to work, in the bus. God knows if the lady had tried to shake off her shoulders. Man! i was dead to the world. i was lucky to have woken in time to see geylang police station, though, and that’s when i found out i was leaning towards the lady beside me.

maybe she was comfy, thats why i had slept so soundly. i dont mean that in a bad way. trust me. but that was some embarrassing shit !! wonder what she was thinking. LOL.

i am like hoping that i dont ever see her on the bus to work, anytime soon. and, if i do, i hope she doesn’t recognise me. she has probably labelled me, in her head, as the crazy bitch who leaned over her and used her shoulder as a pillow.

well, to end off, i just HAVE to say, that, yesterday, at compass point, was the 1st time i saw a machine spit out an ez link card. LOL. Ravien had just gotten his student ez link, and we had it checked if it was activated, so we slot it into the top up machine at cp. the funny part was, the ejecting of the card. normally, the machine will eject and the card will stop halfway, right, but when waiting for the machine to eject ravien’s ez link, instead of stopping halfway, the machine spit the whole card out till it flew to the floor. LOL. the scene was hilarious. i told rav that probably the machine was unhappy that the card hadn’t been activated, and therefore there was no transaction made. Biased machine !!!

time can change a person. the person you knew a yr ago, doesnt necessarily mean he/she will be the same a year after.

i hate changes, at one point. sometimes they can change for the better, yet at other times, worse.

reminising about the past, i miss it. i miss you. the YOU i used to know, the YOU that has stayed in my heart till forever.